While awaiting my flight at the ATL airport, the woman next to me (call her “Rachelle”) struck up a conversation. Once she found out that I’m the “How to Love a Black Man” guy, she couldn’t wait to get my opinion about who was at fault in her recent break-up. Her story could be a GREAT learning opportunity for you or woman you know.
Rachelle and Damon had been dating about six months when her car made a couple of wheezy sputters, then died on the spot. So she asked her boyfriend for the $500 the mechanic said it would take to fix it. “Why not?” she figured. “If he’s supposed to be my man, he ought to be there for me through thick and thin.
It wasn’t that Rachelle was a gold digger who saw Damon as Mr. Moneybags. It wasn’t even about the cash. It’s just that she had put up with too many boyfriends in the past who said all the right words about love and commitment but didn’t back them up with action.
Rachelle believed that if Damon was willing to give up his hard-earned money, that would be proof he could give what mattered even more to her: his commitment. It became clear she was mistaken when Damon immediately broke off the relationship and Rachelle had to get a bus pass.
WHAT WENT WRONG:
In dating relationships, many men love to impress a woman by meeting some her needs when she least expects it. I t’s from a sincere desire to impress you. Call it the dazzle factor. But he’s apt to be missing in action if he feels you’re expecting (requiring) him to be your “co-signer” too many times. Call that the demand factor. While a man likes to feel he can give you anything you ask for, he’s going to withhold his heart from a woman who makes him jump through hoops to prove it.
Desiring gifts and expecting them are two different things. It’s not unreasonable to look forward to them on your birthday or other special occasions, but it’s definitely unwise to require anyone else’s level of generosity to match your expectations. You improve the chances of receiving from him by:
a) applauding his generosity whenever he does show it and;
b) giving the kind of generosity you’d like to receive.
All getting and no giving from you will very likely make his giving temporary. Some options: Occasionally, offer to pay for your own dinner, or suggest changing a scheduled date from one that costs to one that doesn’t.