Dr. Ronn:

Why do men reject & abandon women who genuinely love & care for them and act like it’s OK to do that … no more phone calls, visits, dates, just stop everything?  If he has an issue with her, why won’t he just speak up and at least give her a chance to rectify the situation if it’s valid?  It’s so discouraging to treat a man with courtesy & respect that’s due to him when he’s acting like a coward.  Please advise. Thanks. – L.J.

Dear L.J. :

Let me first say, I do see your point, L.J. I really do.  However, there are so many men and so many possible reasons why they might choose to stop being in contact, that I’d do you a disservice to pretend there is a “one-size-fits-all” reason for it.  More importantly, it’ll be self-sabotaging for you to conclude that you absolutely know for a fact that “no more phone calls, visits, dates…” means there is “an issue” to be rectified or that it’s because he’s disrespectful or a “coward.”

Sometimes, it does NOT mean you did anything wrong, it’s just that he wasn’t interested in continuing.  Dating is what men and women do to figure out if they have any interest in continuing with a person.  When you don’t, you move on.  Sad, for the one who was interested in continuing, but it’s not abandonment.  Abandonment is when you leave someone you HAVE made a serious, concrete relationship commitment to.  Otherwise it was not abandonment at all…it was moving on…because without a STATED commitment you don’t owe each other any more calls, contacts, visits or dates than you feel like it.

Please, please, don’t take on a victim’s mentality where your very first assumption is that you’ve been disrespected, abandoned or insulted.  That’s the mindset that will make you naturally bitter and suspicious in the future (or maybe in the present??).  Take on those traits and I assure you, it WILL affect how you relate with men…and they WILL feel it…and you WILL begin to notice that they keep not sticking around long.

You can’t stop everything done to you, but you mustn’t tolerate ANY negative stuff you do to yourself.  I know for a fact, you and your desire for true love are worth too much to let that happen.

Bottom line:

Who REALLY knows the reason why the guy(s) stopped making contact?  Who knows?  To know for sure you’d need to ask THEM–and they’d have to be willing to tell you the truth.  Otherwise, you are only pretending you know what was up with them.  So, Ok…if you REALLY want to know…take five minutes and politely ask the guy(s).  But then do NOT try to talk them out of their decision…or to point out how they “wronged” you by being finished before you were.

Don’t try to teach them how to treat a woman. You don’t have time to teach…there are just too many other men to meet, to enjoy, to love and be loved by, to make mutual commitments with and to marry…happily…until death do you apart!  Why? Because that’s what you’re worth, my dear!  Never forget it!


Commenting area

  1. Jacq-of-Motown May 19, 2011 at 4:51 am · · Reply

    I agree with Dr. Elmore about how we women ought to perceive a non-callback of the dating process.  Women also “move on”, yet we might be more likely to announce this happening.  Let’s not think of it as rudeness by men. 

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